A Nonbinary Heritage

Read Time:15 Minute, 57 Second

Introduction

Hello All!

Today’s story is extra special to me. It was sent to me by someone who has been reading these stories and found a few pieces of their own history which they thought might make a good addition to my Anthology. This story comes includes snippets of a couple’s early days together and was sent in by their great-grandson Jerry. I’ve included the email I got from Jerry at the end (with his permission).

I hope you enjoy his ancestor’s love story as much as I did. I’m so incredibly grateful he is trusting me to tell this story

Content Warnings:

Internalized Transphobia

Documents from Jerry

Local Advertisement in The Grand View Gazette

Thursday, May 30, 1878

32 year old bachelor, farmer with steady income and kind disposition seeks good-natured woman; object matrimony. Address: [blacked out for privacy]

June 3th, 1878

Dear Nancy Brawnson,

Or should I call you Nathanial? Please respond to clarify this for me. I am Courtney Buffington, the daughter of the head of the post office and perhaps the only person in Idaho who could know you by both names. My father said I ought to reply to the matrimony ad, yet when I asked him who placed it, he said, “Nancy placed it for her brother, Nathanial.”

You may not know this, but I am quite close friends with Antonia Vaughn, who cuts your hair. She says you have not mentioned any brothers. In fact, according to her, you left every ounce of family in Chicago when you bought Benny Artley’s farm. Not that I hold any judgment for that action. Family can be a blessing and a burden. I imagine yours was quite the burden to push you all the way out here. I still don’t know how a single woman bought a farm, but I imagine she’d have to be pretty desperate to try.

Gossip sources aside- If a man named Nathanial truly is seeking a wife, please consider this response to be my application. I do not know if Nathanial is you or not, but if it is, I find the idea of a courtship even more appealing. Though I may not know you as a man, I do know you to be kind, gentle, and beautiful. Antonia has (more than once) told me she believes we could be good friends, and she is quite the matchmaker. I have known people who married for worse reasons than that.

I hope this letter finds you well and my forward nature does not offend you. No matter whether you are Nancy or Nathanial, I would like to get to know you more.

With Kindness,

Courtney Harriet Buffington

June 10th, 1878

Miss Courtney H Buffington,

I write in response to your letter, which inquired after Nathanial. You are right to question who he is, as no one in the town has met Nathanial. In this letter, I will explain myself and, in doing so, explain Nathanial. I ask for your discretion as I share this with you. If needed, I will beg for your silence. I hesitate to tell you this at all. It is your forward charm and – to meet your frankness with my own – your willingness to entertain marriage with me if I were Nathanial that gives me the courage to write this. You do not seem disturbed by the idea of marrying a man which you know as a woman. I do not understand this in you, but it is this quality which allows for my honesty.

Nathanial does not exist in any real way. He is fictionalized. Your memory (and that of Antonia Vaughn) serves you well, I have no siblings. What family I do have is kind and lovely; however, where I am from, there was much control over who I could become.

Looking back on my written words thus far and forward to the words I intend to write, I see a lie. Nathanial does exist, he exists legally. It is in his persona I bought my farm. I then transferred the little to myself. My “brother’s” name is still on the paperwork, but everyone in town knows it is my farm.

That is all there is to know about Nathanail, so now I shall tell you about Nancy. Once again, I beg for your discretion.

Since arriving here, I have struggled under the name Nancy. I am not sure how best to describe my discomfort, but I will try. Being a woman does not suit me. It is like putting on clothes worn by a grandmother: despite the charm those clothes have, they look strange on a young woman. Womanhood fits me strangely, and the strangeness makes me feel a stranger to myself. Yet on the occasion I have dressed as Nathanial, this too has felt like a costume. It brings me discomfort not merely because I am wearing others’ clothes but because I am being someone which I am not. If this were merely clothes, I suppose it would be less distressing. It runs deeper than that. It runs to my very core. In my core, I know I am not a woman, nor am I a man. Neither title suits me.

I suppose this may be more than you asked for. You merely wished to know who Nathanail was and why he was looking for a wife. These words I have written may not directly answer your question – yet I shall leave them in my letter because I need this part of myself to exist beyond my mind.

I hope it will bring clarity to some of the questions you asked in your letter. I beg your kindness and understanding upon reading this. I trust it is quite a shock to see and hope it does not make you regret your inquisition. No matter your reaction, I once again ask you to keep this a secret.

I do not intend to leave your question of my advertisement unanswered. My advert in the paper was genuine in some ways. I intend to write to the woman who responds and explain that I intend to be her husband but that I also intend to remain Nancy in public. I have not yet worked out the details for this plan, but it seems my only option for marrying not as Nancy nor as Nathanial. Surely no woman in town would marry someone they already know as Nancy, and I have never had much taste for men. Therefore I am hoping by reaching out to someone outside our community, I might live two lives. One in my home and one in my community. It may not be ideal, but I fear it is the best solution I have found.

Courtney, I hope this letter answers your questions and does not dissuade you from your belief that we would be good friends. If it does, I beg you to keep this scandal to yourself. I have decided to trust you.

Best,

June 12th, 1878

Dearest N,

Before I even arrive at the pleasantries of this letter, I must thank you for entrusting this portion of yourself to me. I won’t share this news with anyone. It will remain a secret which you alone have the power to share. I am honored you felt you could tell me about this, and I hope sharing this has lifted some burden from you.

I hope this letter finds you well, but quite frankly, I hope it does not find you with a marriage request in response to your advert. I hope you do not take insult and quit reading, for I believe you will be interested in the other things I have to say. I do not say this to be rude. I merely think there is an option available to you which you have not considered.

My recommendation for you, or perhaps I should say for us, is to be together. This solves several problems for you. You will not need to try and explain yourself to a new woman. You won’t need to be called Nathanial (a name which I, unfortunately, associate with my grandmother’s eldest brother) or Nancy if you do not want. I will address you however you please. And since you have already explained to me who you are and I have accepted you, you need not fear rejection on the basis of these feelings.

My father always told me he moved out west to escape the rules of society and start over in untouched land. The way I see it, this fits right in. My dad moved to escape taxes, my mom to escape her ex, and it seems like you moved to escape something larger than that. Why should you have to be a woman or a man? I can’t promise everyone will get that, but it’s not their journey it’s yours. So why don’t you tell me what to call you (I’m assuming not Nancy), and I’ll try to walk beside you?

Yours,

Courtney Harriet Buffington

June 16th 1878

Dear Miss Courtney H Buffington,

I much appreciate your compassion, understanding, and discretion. To read your letter lifted a fear which settled in me the moment I posted my letter to you. It is good to know my trust was not misplaced.

Your letter was more than kind; however, I would feel too guilty to accept your offer. You should not feel forced to marry me merely because it solves my problems. Let me not be seen as ungrateful, I am quite appreciative of the thought which you have put into this situation. It is because of your kind and open heart that I cannot accept your proposal. You deserve to be with someone who will not complicate your life in the way I will. You need not walk my path with me just because I am alone. I will persevere.

I shall continue with my plan to wed a woman as Nathanial. As I said before, I have not fully developed this plan, but I have no reason yet to believe it won’t be possible to do this without burdening my wife. If you do have suggestions, I would love to hear them.

I hope this letter brings you relief from the thought of a lifetime with my confusion. I thank you again for the level of kindness in your words.

Kindly,

Nell

June 18th, 1878

Dearest Nell,

I would like to begin this letter by informing you I received no “relief” from your words. I instead received frustration at being told you were going to ignore my offer of courtship or marriage in favor of your scheme to risk your prospects and happiness on a woman who will answer a newspaper advert for marriage. Your rejection stings less for its kindness, but it was a rejection no less. I don’t imagine you saw it this way, though.

You seemed to be under the impression you were doing me a favor by denying me a chance to be with you. This is not true.

Perhaps I was not clear enough in my letter to you. Allow me to take this time to be very clear with my wants and intentions.

I would like to be with you.

If we see fit, I would like to marry you.

This is not a choice I am making out of pity. My wanting to be with you is not an altruistic act of charity. It is a desire I have.

I want to be with you because the times I spent with you in town prior to your correspondence have always brought a smile to my face. I want to be with you because you do not shy away from my brashness but instead embrace it. I want to be with you because of you.

In my last letter, I believe I spoke too much about who you are and your gender when I explained my proposition. It may have implied I was marrying you merely to lighten whatever burden you are carrying. This is not the case. I hope this letter makes that clear to you.

If I may be frank, if you do not marry me, I will need to marry a man. I do not want this for myself. Men disinterest me.

If you do not trust that I will be with you because I find you to be a compelling person, then trust that I would much rather marry someone who is neither man nor woman than marry a man. I want to be with you because it seems the best way for both of us.

I could take time to explain to you the plethora of problems with your advertisement plan, but I do not need to. The only reason that matters is this: you do not need another plan.

If you would rather not be with me, I will accept your rejection, but I beg you not to do so on my behalf.

I want you, Nell.

I want us.

Whatever struggles lie ahead of us, I would like to tackle them together. I think we would make a fearsome and wonderful pair.

With Love and Hope,

Courtney Harriet Buffington

June 26th, 1878

Dear Courtney,

I apologize for the delay in my response. I hope the extra time I spent considering your letter and my response did not cause you distress or doubt. Your letter gave me much to consider and awoke in me feelings I did not expect.

I would like to have the chance to give you a proper response to your letter. If you would do me the honor, I would take you to dinner next Friday, the fifth of July, after the stores close for the day. We can picnic on my property, so we do not need to worry about the perceptions of those around us. I shall not spoil the excursion by giving my thoughts here, but I will tell you I think you will approve of my decision.

There is much that I shall refrain from disclosing now so that I may tell you in person. But there is something I feel compelled to share which I fear I will be too shy to say aloud in your presence.

Courtney, you make me feel wanted.

The weight of this feeling has controlled much of my thoughts the past three days. At first, I could not understand why it felt so different and so novel. I thought I had been wanted and needed before. My parents wanted me around and needed my help with chores. I have had friends who enjoyed my company enough to invite me to dinner. There was even a boy who courted me briefly before I moved to Idaho.

It took those three days for me to understand why this felt so different- so vulnerable and rare. The reason came to me yesterday morning as I sat on my porch watching the sunrise with only my guitar to keep me company. I was strumming mindless chords and picking simple melodies one moment. The next moment my hands were still as a clear note rang out through the fields, aglow with a new dawn.

You call me Nell.

In your letter.

You tell me you want Nell.

Beyond myself, you are the only person to know Nell. You know me as I am, and yet you want me.

To trust your letter means to believe that I, Nell, am wanted. I find I do trust your letter, and it may be the honor of my life to be wanted by you, Courtney. It is not just an honor because you are funny, smart, and beautiful but because I want you as well.

I hope I shall see you soon.

Yours,

Nell

Local Announcement in The Grand View Gazette

Thursday, December 10, 1878

Nathanial “Nell” Brawnson, brother of local Nancy Brawnson, was married to Courtney Harriet Buffington by her father, Benjamin Buffington, at the County Courthouse last Sunday. Any well wishers should send their post to the Brawnson Farm, where the couple will reside.

Email from Jerry Clark

Dear Chrys,

Today is March 21st, 2023, and I am writing to discuss my late relatives, Nell and Courtney Brawnson.

My grandchild Dakota introduced me to your newsletter. While reading it, I was reminded of the box of letters and newspaper clippings my mom passed down to me when she moved out of her house. She has kept these letters safe for decades. They are my great-grandparent’s love story. Dakota helped me scan them into the computer to mail to you.

I was fortunate enough to know both Pappy Nell and Grandma Courtney when I was small. They’ve since passed on, but we remember them kindly. Recently I told Dakota about their great-great-great grandparent Nell. Nell was special. He didn’t like to be called a grandfather or a father. He insisted he was just a parent. I think if he were still here, he would use the they pronouns like Dakota does.

Their wife Courtney was special, too, in a different way. She and Nell adopted seven children, including my late grandfather Brainard Brawnson. Courtney wore the pants in their relationship. She ran her home well and helped Pappy Nell run the farm. My grandfather said she had a firm mouth but a gentle hand. Everyone who knew them said Courtney loved Nell deeply, and you could always see Pappy Nell’s love on his face.

We found these letters when Granny Courtney died at 106 in the year 1956. My mom said Pappy Nell was always strange, and these letters just seemed to confirm that he was always odd. I didn’t think about these oddities much until Dakota told me about non-binary. I tried to ask my mother if she thought Pappy Nell might also be non-binary, but my mother was somewhat unwell that day, and I do not think she understood the question. She did seem to grasp that Dakota is like her grandparent, though. We don’t have to understand everything about the people we love to love them, but we can try.

I hope you and your friends enjoy reading about my Pappy Nell and Granny Courtney.

Best,

Jerry Clark,

great-grandson of Nell and Courtney Brawnson